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  • Colton James Townsend

Do I have shame and trauma around sharing??

Updated: Nov 13

  • [x] Get a haircut today from Antonio’s or Ellen’s cutting edge (both require cash)

  • [ ] I want to take all of the content from my group chat and house it into a simple notion website page… would need to ask for approval and to sit with myself and “my immediate universe”

  • [ ] I want to read through amazing books about personal growth and love and spirituality take all of the notes on them and reflect and all that juicy learning jazz

  • [ ] I want to write poetry

I’m entirely fascinated by this process of translating human insight and experience into multimedia published purposefully!!

One of my greatest challenges and pained points of frustration in life has been in trying to share effectively what I have discovered a great love and fascination in.

Andrea didn’t even watch all of Interstellar 5555 with me… which I would absolutely have to label has one of my favorite and most cherished movies of all time. I’m pained by the fact that she wanted to take a break from watching the night we tried to get ready for bed. More than that though was that we weren’t able to return and finish the film in the time I was staying there with her in Redmond (which I had SO SO SO much a part in manifesting since I had been drinking with Connor before showing up at her place that last night I stayed after we returned from our camping trip on Second Beach).

I realized a flaw in my historic character as I told her over WhatsApp messages this morning about how I’m triggered into shame spirals when I recognize that I’ve failed to share an experience or discovery of music/location/people I’ve received with a loved one.

AM I FULLY ACCEPTING AND ENGAGING WITH THE GIFTS OFFERED TO ME BY OTHERS?? After all, this is what I’m seeking and craving so much in my own needs through sharing and gifting to others.

Of course, there are hundreds if not thousands of “offers” being made to me each day in direct and indirect manners. But those that I deliberately accept with all of my being and regard as sacred are to be greeted and explored with a willingness to go “all into the experience” as the gifting soul intended me to receive.

I struggle so much with that belief that I am incapable of sharing effectively. I’m realizing how I can be set off into a shame spiral when someone doesn’t accept what I have to share in the fullest way I imagined us discovering the object together.

My immediate reaction is to blame inward: chastise my presentation of the offer to receive what I desire to share; curse my timing in making such an offer; question the prudence of making this particular offer to this particular person at this particular time and place; obsess over the details for how I should have presented the offer to persuade the other person to engage with it in the manner I expect them to and to receive the same degree of awe and emotional connection I received when interacting with the gift (wow, there’s a lot of control in expectation and assumption embedded within that orientation). Thank you for reflecting, Colty Bear 🐻 ❤️

What is ineffective sharing to me? Offering without the other person receiving the full gift (and I realize where I do that too and may be undervaluing a gift of love appreciation from others).

  • Who dictates what the full gift is?

  • Is it in the same relation to the thing offered?

  • When do you know the gift has been fully received? What is the timeline?

I relate it to the magic I experience when first discovering the gift, so I want the other to have the same chance at revealing that magic it offered to me. So, I suppose to give It a complete “try” (like taking a bite out of a cake I made, as an example.

// Is it possible?? I am holding on sales/sharing trauma stemming all the way back from early childhood //

This is a good insight. Where can I more fully receive the gifts that are offered to me from others as an act of supreme love.

I’m really longing for touch and romantic affection today :( I don’t have a romantic partner that lives with me or that even lives local to me and touch is a very important component of my expression love.

A goofy image of myself I shot and messaged to Andrea through our WhatsApp chat. I am wearing my Yellow (though they seem more orange, to me) Chakra/color therapy glasses I recently purchased off of Amazon. Taken from standing atop the ledge front porch stairs at the Boyer house

Walla Walla YMCA lounge seating area.

Wednesday morning.

Clear, sunny, getting HOT.


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