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  • Colton James Townsend

Start New Game

Updated: Nov 13

Taking time to fill the feels. Put my space, time, and energy into my feelings. Let them be nurtured to express whatever it is they want to show up and express.


Why don’t I do it for myself, for a change?


TOP PRIORITY: Commit to communion and confession with myself as a plentiful TOP priority.


I think this was the last photo I ever took with my Google Pixel 4 XL phone

\\// Start New Game //\\


Things take more time to die than I might assume. Even that old \ key on my laptop iPad is performing as expected the majority of the time. But, didn’t I label the “\” key for dead just a couple of weeks ago? I’m so often responding to faults and failures as complete losses. Better to start over again with a clean installation, I say. We don’t get to factory reset our bodies, minds, or emotional memories now do we?


I’ve experienced an interesting relationship playing video games on my own throughout my life because as soon as my character becomes flawed or I made a selection among two or more outcomes that was not the “optimal outcome”, my overwhelming urge is to reset my entire game and start over with a new character from a clean slate.


“If I can’t have it all, I don’t want any of it.”

Of course, this very same process of perfection meets comparison to ultimately manifest dissatisfaction and the urge to erase/reset in a Video Game can express the very same patterns and characteristics in many (if not all) other areas of my life… possessions I own, personal systems I’m creating, tools I’m using, relationships I have (they most tender area).


…Transitioning…


This feels like the right way for the write, really. I’m able to be home and be cared for and be comfortable; all the while, I’m putting words down and speaking from one or more dimensions of my being to another one or more dimensions of my being. And that’s pretty fucking fantastic as both a realization for me to receive and for the fact that I can put into motion the very behaviors and energetic centers that are seeking to actualize themselves through this Work that is intended to awaken all of my BEING.


B = Boy

E = Elder

I = Inner Adolescent

N = Nurturers (I hope this sounds something like “parent” or “adult”. It’s okay, this model doesn’t have to appear to me in purest harmony and interconnected perfection of symbology and terminology, hehe)

G = God


Maybe it’s best when I just show up and do this work for myself, rather than trying to shape it into the mold of how others are expecting me to communication and express and show up. Often I catch myself designing systems of service, economics, creative feats, or endeavors within a channel of information designed to be exposed to an external destination (What I’m basically saying is that I believe the work I do has to be shared with somebody to mean anything). Instead, I should simply do this work for myself. Attend appropriately to commitments and communication agreements with other folks.


TOP PRIORITY: Commit to communion and confession with myself as a plentiful TOP priority.


Bedroom lounge chair.

Wednesday afternoon.

Still, chilly, veiled in clouds.

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