Genesis of cjt.com, the 1st Journal Post
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
- Relatively brief in exchange for a moderate degree of attention
- Stream of consciousness, minimal editing, semi-linear
- Communicate emotionally
- Stimulate self-consideration
Commit = Go Mit = Go With (if you use your imagination and some German translation)
Sometimes you gotta love and Let Go, sometimes you have to love and Go With.
I am going to go snowshoeing by myself at Noon. And I don't care who knows about it. I'm not afraid to be known. [Follow up later in the afternoon] And I did it.
I had to let go of the idea that possessing a perfect state of self-satisfaction was sustainable. If I couldn't be entirely confident in the success of my efforts or performances, I'd become very dissatisfied with myself. In this manner, a disgusting pattern emerged. I couldn't stomach a failure and I avoided displaying "my mediocrity" as much as possible. So, in all of this, I learned I'm not just afraid of failure, I'm afraid of being known as an amateur.
Was I afraid of becoming an amateur because I might not ever become anything more than an amateur in [fill in the blank] area of my life? I imagined that I will have wasted precious time, resources, effort. And all expended for what? My dreadful vision was to have never attained a level of skillful familiarity with the subject I so invested in? I was afraid it wouldn't be worth it, that my plans wouldn't pay out proportionally!
Was I also afraid to look the beginner's fool to the others bearing witness, ESPECIALLY those who know me or equal my age and status? Yes, I was. I was most afraid of BEING KNOWN by a man of similar age and upbringing that I once thought myself superior to in some way.
I was afraid to be stupid – afraid to be uncovered for who I truly was.
I was afraid of stupid.
I was being an idiot.
I couldn't handle the Foolish Phases with respect.
I wonder, which endeavors would I now not consider a waste of my time or effort? What feats and experiences are worth enduring my "foolish phases" for? Better yet: I can I embrace the foolish phase perpetually rather than fear and avoid it?
I must now be willing to let go and keep going.
Wake up & do me.